Here’s a quick experiment: Go ask both of your parents the question, “Did you get a haircut?” Now, we’d be willing to wager that your mom will respond with something along the lines of “yes” or “no,” while your dad goes with something more like, “No, I got them all cut!”
Congrats! You’ve just been blindsided by a “dad joke”—loosely defined as a groaner so corny and awful that you basically need to own a pair of white New Balance sneakers, a cellphone belt clip, and a coffee mug emblazoned with the word “dad” to actually find it funny.
Well, unless you’re talking about fifty dad jokes we’ve compiled right here. Yes, they’re corny and awful, but somehow they all make us laugh despite their juvenile ridiculousness. So read on, and enjoy!
What do you call a fake noodle?
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
What do you call an alligator that works on Wall Street?
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Never mind, it’s tearable!
What do you call a fish with two knees?
A two-knee fish!
Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe!
You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there?
I like telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs!
I thought about going on an all-almond diet….
But that’s just nuts!
What’s brown and sticky?
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in there!
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, “First offender?”
She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
No, but April May!
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.
I’m just doing it for kicks!
So a vowel saves another vowel’s life.
The other vowel says, “Aye E! I owe you!”
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip?
I was heels over head!
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them!
Spring is here! I got so excited ….
… I wet my plants!
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I’m not going to spread it!
When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him…
“No, I’d rather drink it out of the carton!”
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
They say he made a mint!
Five out of four people admit…
… they’re bad with fractions!
I invented a new word today…
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it!
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No it doesn’t!”
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down!
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised!
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids…
I’m a faux pa!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together!
I know a lot of jokes about retired people…
… but none of them work!
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well!
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other…
… “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with!
What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
After dinner. my wife asked if I could clear the table.
I needed a running start, but I made it!
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put some boogie in it!
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
They’re his watch dogs!
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you…
… an iWitness?!
I would avoid the sushi if I was you.
It’s a little fishy!
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it!
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line.
Only a fraction of people will understand this!
I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop.
It was sole destroying!
My boss told me to have a good day…
… so I went home!
I’m so good at sleeping…
… I can do it with my eyes closed!
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I’m still working on it!